Love and Messes

And then, just when you feel like cursing because you stepped on a medicine bottle and the cap had surprisingly sharp edges, and you had to dodge a pair of shoes to avoid twisting your ankle, and you noticed that those shoes were right by your bra, which was also on the floor, next to the bottle of dog shampoo, which was on top of a book, which was next to your stack of mail, which was right beside your backpack, which was on top of a clean stack of clothes that was ALSO on the floor, you looked up and saw this:



And a little tear welled up in your eye, because your roommate made your bed. She took that laundry tub full of clean sheets that had been sitting in the same spot for a week now. She put the sheets back in the dryer to plump them up. And then, she braved the tornado of your room and made your bed. So that, when you crawled in, with papers still to do, with all sorts of unrelated things everywhere, you crawled into a soft space. You took a deep breath and thought to yourself, "OK, that's enough for today. I'll start again tomorrow." And then you said a prayer of thanks for the gift of having such kind souls in your life.

And the next day, you finished those papers. And you took another deep breath. And you looked at your little dog, sitting in the middle of everything, looking up at you, loving you, despite your mess, and you went to work on the next pile. Because if there's one thing you've learned (though, hopefully, there is more), it's that there will always be messes to clean up. But, if you've got people loving you in the midst of them, well, that's all you really need. You couldn't ask for more.

A Moment of Vulnerability

Because I believe that when we are real with our own messes (physical, emotional, or spiritual), that frees others up to be "real" as well. And freedom is good. And you can't clean up a mess until you accept that it is one. And, it's OK -- if the mess feels overwhelming to ask for help. This is the way my room looks pretty much every finals week. Only I took this yesterday, so today it is even worse. Note unmade bed...that's right, I've been sleeping under a blanket straight on the mattress. No energy to make it. And I hate making beds alone anyway. I think I'll ask for my roommate's help when we both finish finals. Also note graduation hood on rocking chair (it's coming Saturday!). And note sweet Charlie, who loves me mess or no mess and just jumps over the piles of clothes and debris like it don't mean a thang. It will all get cleaned up as soon as the final paper is turned in. But for now, here's my mess.

A Graduation Cairn

It's that time again ... finals time.

I officially have one more week until graduation -- if I finish these papers.

(And then, summer school, but I'm not thinking about that right now. Forget I even said it.)

I am swimming in words, papers, thoughts about divorce, and step-family reformation, and differentiation, and the book of Romans, and healing, and and and and ...

But I thought I'd step out of the paper pool a minute, towel off, and at least show you a few photos from this last week. It's felt like the beginning of the end. Goodbyes are starting. Only some of us are staying on for summer school after we walk. So, we -- as a cohort of friends that have done these last two years together -- are starting the process of transition.

It's been a special time ... this marking of an ending and a new beginning. Every time I go through a transition like this, I realize once again how important it is to "mark" endings and beginnings ... whether that be with ceremonies or pictures or parties or a toast or tears. I'm convinced that we -- as humans -- need to stop and look life in the face for a minute and realize where we are, how far we've come, how far we have left to go.

So, I've been doing that a bit ... sprinkled moments of pausing ... in the midst of papers.

I'm not sure where this tradition started, and I don't want to take the time to google it, but some group of people would create piles of stones in special locations to mark things that happened on their journey. The piles of stones were called, "cairns," I believe. I've started to adopt that same practice into my own life these past several years ... not usually with literal stones, but with the same idea. I want to notice the passing of life. And I think my cairns are usually composed of words and pictures.

So, here's the first of probably a few cairns to mark my almost-graduation.

Let the hugging begin!




These are two of a few entirely quality people I've grown to love here.




This is my cohort. This was our last class together before graduation.



Though it looks like it, I haven't graduated yet. But my school does have this special chapel service in which all the students and faculty get into their regalia. Afterward, on what turned out to be an entirely lovely cool, grey, clean and breezy day, we ate treats and drank coffee together. Good times.