i always come back

Well, apparently "the next couple of days" = 1 year and 3 days. Apparently, that's what that meant.

Oh folks, I know. I know. I've been gone. For a long, long time. And the thing is, if I wait until I have the energy to explain my absence, I have a sneaking suspicion I'll just never start again. So, I don't have much of an explanation for you. Not yet. But, I'm sure the reasons will show themselves as the blog posts continue. Seeds grow.

So, as you can see, in order to mark my homecoming, I've gotten myself a shiny new blog "outfit." I was going for a Christmas-y feel. I hope that comes across. Speaking of, I am feeling so ready for Christmas. And that is rare for me. I'm usually the one shaking my head in disbelief at the department store Christmas displays in October. But, not this Christmas. I started listening to Christmas music a few days ago. And it's not even Halloween. And I feel totally unapologetic about it. I can't explain exactly why, accept to say that I think I'm more aware than ever of my need for Christmas. Or, rather, more specifically, for the Christ child. I need birth. I need hope. I need Christmas.

You see, since last I ventured into this quiet space, a lot has happened. And since I don't have the energy to write at length about it all, I offer you the nutshell version: I got a job. And I moved into a new home. In a new city (still in Los Angeles, though). And I got new roommates. That all happened within about a 3 week period last Fall. Hence, my absence. And then this job scooped me right up, like a sled on snow, and I've been trying to catch my breath ever since. Anyway, there you have it: one year in one paragraph. There's more. You know, there's always more. But, that's what I can offer tonight. Because I have something much more important on my heart. And I need to sit with it for a few minutes here.

Disclaimer: I do therapy. With kids. And their families. And most of them are very, very poor. And their families are very, very broken. And I haven't quite yet figured out how to enter into their stories and sit with their broken, and not come out of it a little heavier with all the broken. That's part of why I haven't written. Because who wants to read post after post of "I'm too tired...this shit sucks...why didn't I get a degree in photography instead...I've got nothing else to offer because I gave it all away today?!" That's not such fun reading. So, my disclaimer is that sometimes, in this space, I'm gonna be a bit of a Debbie Downer. I'm sorry. It's just where I'm at. And today's post is an example of that. OK, don't say I didn't warn you....

So, an acquaintance of mine from grad school died this week. (I told you.) She was 5 years younger than me. And last Saturday, she made a post on Facebook about how she was having neck spasms and was hoping some muscle relaxants would help. And Sunday night, she went to the hospital because she was having trouble breathing. And Monday morning, she died. Doctors think she acquired a rapidly advancing, viral lung infection. And while - as I said - she was not a close friend of mine, I've thought about her all week. And I can't believe that last week, at this time, she was here, and now she's not. And she was young and beautiful. And it doesn't seem real. And then, tonight, I talked to a dear, dear friend. Her mother has been battling cancer for several years now. And yesterday, they found out that the cancer is spreading and that her internal organs are starting to shut down. And last night, after getting that news, her mother fell while walking in her home, thought nothing of it, went to bed, and today, she was taken to the hospital with a brain hemmorrage. Tonight, my dear friend told me that doctors do not expect her mother to make it through the night.

Seriously, I told you. I've got big stuff on my heart.

All this sudden death has stopped me in my tracks. And it's made me miss my family. And want to hug my friends. And I just feel so, so aware right now of how fleeting life is. A breath. And, so, I'm writing here, in this space. Because writing is a part of really *living* for me. And I'm feeling a renewed awareness of how much I need to *live* all of these precious, precious days.

Tonight, when I got home, I felt a strong sense of urgency. And I wasn't even entirely sure as to what I felt urgent about ... other than that I knew I needed to live life intentionally. I avoided TV, Facebook, and all of the other brain-escapes I often turn to, and just sat down, in the quiet, and thought a little, and tried to digest it all. And as I did, my sweet Charlie curled into my chest, and fell asleep ... a warm, rhythmic mass of breath and fur. And I began to think about how much I want to capture the moments of my life, to really *see* them, before they pass. How I want to remember what it's like to have Charlie's cadence of breathing against my own. How I want to memorize the voices of my parents. How, I want to ask those I love all the questions I'll want to ask them - but won't be able to - after they're gone. I long for some sort of life-size scooper, in which I can encompass it all: my moments...the people I most love...time.

And even as I wish for it, I know it can never be so. I know - in some inner place - that I cannot capture life. Life is not capture-able. It's infinite. And that's what makes it Life. Our bodies - though great little containers - can't keep it in. It's the spark that shines out of our eyes. And the blood that rages through our vessels. And the breath that recycles through our lungs. And when our bodies wear out, even then, Life finds a way out. And it keeps on living. Death cannot capture it. So, why would I think that I could?

Maybe that's not the point of living. To capture it. Maybe I waste energy on such futile attempts. Maybe the very essence of life is that it is not mine, or yours, that it's not own-able. Maybe it just...IS. Like God. In the Psalms, God commands us to, "Be still, and know that I AM." And maybe I am to just take life - and all that comes with it - in. A breath. And then let it out again. Over and over again. And know that God IS. And that I am of Him. And so are you. And that is enough. More than enough, actually. That is abundance.

But this week, death sure seems like it's gotten the upper hand. And I think that's why I need Christmas.

SO MUCH LOVE to you all. XO

Not Gone, Promise....

I'm still here! Promise! I've got photos to post and stories to tell and reflections to share and a few funny moments to write about. I just have this tendency to withdraw from the world every now and again, to hole myself up in my home and wear comfy clothes and check the computer as little as possible and, well ... withdraw. I seem to need a hibernation time every few months. And last week was one of those times.

But I'll be back in the next couple of days, with all of the aforementioned goodies. So come back and see me.

Until then, happy (hopefully not so manic) monday!

See you soon!

Back In The Saddle Again

I know it's been almost two months since I last wrote. But it honestly doesn't feel like more than a couple of weeks. I know why, however. It's because SO much life has been squished into the last two months. My last post was dated June 12, 2009. On June 13, I graduated with my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. And in the interim, I've taken 8 units of summer school, am hacking away at four more units via independent study, spent a week with my dear family who came to town for graduation, have had my car crap out on me twice, have logged about 40 more hours at the clinic, have gotten sick then gotten better, and have also logged my fair share of hours vegging out on the couch not doing much of anything. I won't lie about that. And I don't even think I feel very badly about it. Life has been SOO full these last couple of years, and my body is screaming at me for some doing-nothing-which-is-actually-doing-something-quite-important time.

Why am I still taking classes if I've already graduated, you ask? Well, let me tell you without --hopefully -- boring you with needless schedule detail. It's because -- in order to graduate without finishing up these last three classes -- I would have had to take 18 units every ten weeks for the last year. I've still got so much to learn, but if there's one lesson I think I'm starting to get clearer on, it's that one must know when to say "Enough is enough." And, so, I now complete school post-graduation.

It's alright really ... I like school. But I WILL be SUPER excited for the day that I get to shout out on this here blog, "I'm done!!! Finito!! Capiche!! Firenze!!! Cuidado! Ay ay ay ... Caramba!" And who knows what other jibberish I may shout in the almost-manic-delighted-frenzie I anticipate having when I turn in that LAST paper. Until then, it's back to the grindstone for me. But, as I always say after coming back from a long absence, "I'm back." And I truly hope to really BE here again, consistently. Whenever I'm gone from this space and from any of you that grace me with your love and listening ears here, I miss it -- and you -- very much.

Graduation pictures are coming next...

-Charlotte

Gone But Not Forgotten

Well hello lovely blogging friends,

I know. I know. It's been a long time. A really long time. About eight weeks, infact.

hmmm ....

WAIT A GOSH DARN MINUTE. Is it a coincidence that I'm in the eighth week of my final quarter of grad school?? I'm thinkin' maybe it's not. I'm thinkin' I don't know where the last eight weeks went ... except, of course, I do. Each of these last eight weeks started with a drive into Pasadena early on Monday morning for the first class of the week and finished with a weekly paper written on Friday night and emailed to the professor before midnight ... that was the deadline. Each week. It's been a doozie of a quarter friends. And really, I don't feel too complainey (though it probably doesn't seem like that). I actually feel really lucky to be in grad school, to have a brain that works (much of the time), and a car that faithfully carries me those 40 commuter miles whenever I ask it to, to have student loans to pay the bills (yikes), to have the support of family and friends, to have all the gracious "it's OKs" when I've called to apologize for not returning a phone call promptly, to have roommates that keep me laughing and sunshine that keeps me all full of Vitamin D. I'm thankful.

But I've been gone from this space for too long. So, I'm back.

Only I'm only kinda sorta back, because most of my brain is still stuck in "Holy Crap, I'm Graduating in Three Weeks" Ville. If there is such a place.

I miss you all. I would pay a fair government-loaned penny to have any one of you reading this sitting across from me right now at The Cornery Bakery ... where I am currently soaking up coffee and cookies as solace for paper writing. The sun is starting it's descent downward, and things are turning all golden, and I'm listening to the soothing voice of Sam Beam (of "Iron and Wine"). It's a lovely moment, really.

But you're not here, and -- though I'd rather see you -- I'm just here with me. So that's who you get. Here's what you'd be seeing if I could have the pleasure of your company.

I'm trying hard to read and research diligently.



But, I get distracted by cute babies and kids with big heads and little bodies. Why is that so cute?!



Then I realize I'm distracted and start digging deep to come up with profound, original, articulate thoughts.



But I'm tired, so I eventually feel like throwing my hands up in the air and doing this instead.



Then I think about you all ... my beautiful family and friends. I imagine you sitting across from me. And I feel happy.



And, though I'm really more of a hugger than a waver, this is all I've got.

Lots of love my wonderful peeps.

dropping by

Just dropping in to say hello and that I am still "here." I finished out my winter quarter and had a very short break before starting my spring quarter today, so things have been busy. But I took a walk the other day and photographed spring blooming and have a bloggety-blog stirring in my mind that I'll be typing up very soon. I send you all lots of love ... because life is too short not to share lots of love every day.

XOXO-me:)

What A Wonderful World

It's 7:37 am, and I have to admit, I'm feeling kinda proud of myself, because I'm already on my school's campus, having made the 20-mile trek from San Dimas ... which would take 20 minutes, were it not for the rage-inducing-mind-blowing-turn-a-sane-person-into-a-maniac Los Angeles rush hour traffic. But, enough about that. ;) I have an 8 a.m. class this quarter, which means that I can either get up at 6:00 am, and make it to campus by 7 a.m., or at 6:30 a.m., and arrive to campus at 8 a.m. Forgive me for the details; I'm still a little sleepy, and my mental filter isn't entirely in place yet. All of that to say, I'm embracing these few extra moments to put me fingerprint back in this space.

I can't believe three weeks have passed since I last wrote. But, I CAN say they have been three full weeks, in really good ways. Hopefully, I'll get my act together and tell you all a few stories from that time. For now, I think I'll just say, "Hello friends. I'm back."

And maybe I'll share a few Christmas pics, to start the "catching up" process:

It snowed ALOT, which I LOVED, until I shoveled ice boulders. Then I didn't love it QUITE as much... (but I STILL secretly love it, even though I complained)

We took a walk in it on Christmas Day. Lovely.

We wore matching red pjs. Even Charlie. Some people would say that dressing your dog in pajamas crosses the line. I say it just makes me smile.

One night my roomie and I were driving along all normal-like, and we looked over to see a flock of Santas. Literally, a flock. And so we followed them, because how many times in your life do you see a flock of Santas? And then we took a picture with them. And then we left because, well, they were getting drunk. :(

This is my fabo friend Gretchen. She just had a baby. You can't tell it because she is all fabulous and energetic and yet still real. And she's about to be a doctor. Way to go Gretch!!! I admire your stamina, friend. And your baby is a doll.


OK, that'll do for a start atleast. ;) Happy Day!

#8 - What I've Been Doing The Last Few Weeks

8. I thought I'd post a few pics from my last few weeks.

They've been good, full of life. And that's always worthy of celebration....

Well, for starters, I've been to two weddings back in Arizona. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures at the ready to show you. But they were such blessings. And for my dear friend Gretchen and her fiance, Dennis, I even got to take the photos. They were married in Sedona, and the whole day was so lovely and intimate and breathtaking.

And while I was there, I went up to Flagstaff. I got my haircut, played some rousing games of Nerts with Mom and Dad. Soaked up the place. My favorite city on earth.

I took several walks at Buffalo Park while I was there. I've always felt really peaceful there. REALLY PEACEFUL. Plus, it's got lots of great memories for me. I've run cross country races there. Been kissed there. Watched meteor showers there. Prayed there. Eaten Dairy Queen Blizzards with my sister and cousin after swimming lessons on a summer day there. Taken family photos there. Buffalo park is home.




Mom and Dad and I went to Macy's, one of my all time favorite FLG locales.




Last weekend, the city I live in had a "Western Days" weekend. Rodeo. Small town parade. The works. Well, a bunch of the dogs from the dog park (including Charlie and I) walked in it. And seriously, you absolutely CANNOT be sad walking your dog in a parade. Kids smile from ear to ear. Adults take a break from being adults and smile as big as the kids. Dogs' tails wag hysterically. It's really one of the funnest things to do ever. Plus, I sewed a cowboy onto a "poncho" and turned my sweet Charlie into a "horse." And, when you walk your dog, dressed as a horse, in a small town parade, you REALLY cannot be sad.




I think Charlie is probably the cutest "horse" I've ever seen.




One of my oldest and best friends in the whole wide world came to Los Angeles this weekend for work. And that meant I got to see her. And that made me very happy.... I think that's why I forgot to post this weekend, actually. Because I was too busy eating frozen yogurt with her, and drinking coffee, and taking in sacred hours of "catch up time," and going with her to Warm Hearth dinners and feeling so happy to spend time with a friend who is home....



So, that's my number 8. :)

Top 10 ... a blogging committment

Ok, so you know how when you mean to call someone, but you just don't, and then days pass, and then weeks, and then -- one day when you're looking up a recipe or making an appointment -- you realize that it's been months, and then you just feel so bad that you don't call, and then more months pass, and then you realize that it would have been better had you just called the first time you felt bad about not calling??

You know how that happens?

Well, that kinda sorta happened with this blog. My own blog. Weird.

I got back from my weekend in Tucson, and I meant to post pictures and write stories, but I got busy therapizing (that should be a word if it's not) and summer schoolizing, and so I didn't. And then I thought, 'Gosh, it's mid-September, I should get on my blog.' But I didn't because I felt like enough time had passed that now, when I did write, I needed to write something pretty substantial. And then school started, and tutoring started (the side job because I am just not busy enough), and therapizing continued, and somewhere in there I kept showering and trying to exercise and, you know, live.

And so, my poor little bloggy blog just sat here, all by her lonesome, outdated.

But I'm back. And I've decided to implement a lil' idea to keep myself blogging consistently ... at least for the next ten days. Why ten days, you say? Because in exactly ten days, I will be bidding bon voyage to my 20s, breaking the champagne bottle against my 30s, that's right ... celebrating the 3-0. And sometimes I'm excited about it, and sometimes I'm sad. And so, what better topic to get me back into the blogging swing of things than a countdown??

So, for the next ten days, I'll be posting EVERY day. Ten thoughts about turning 30.

So, without further ado....

I think I'm gonna started light-hearted, but it probably won't last long. The impending new decade brings out my sentimental side pretty quickly.

10. I am getting fine lines.

Growing up, every time I bought a new face wash or face lotion, I would read the backs of the containers to see what fabulous promises they'd make for me. And I'm not gonna lie, sometimes those impossible promises were the deal breakers for my purchase. And I can remember reading the phrase, "reduces fine lines," but I never really thought about what fine lines meant. I just knew that I didn't care too much about them.

And here's the thing: I've always said that I wanted laugh lines, little badges of life well-lived. And I still do, but it is weird to look in the mirror and see a slighty older version of me. I think I am just now beginning to believe that someday, I will get old (if I'm lucky). Which is probably good, because I think that belief will probably (hopefully) cause me to live more consciously.

BUT, in spite of my savoring of laugh lines, it should be said that now, I pay more attention to the face lotions that reduce fine lines.

I had a moment.... (warning: slightly rambling)

Before I start--

So, I began this blog for several reasons.

One, I love to write. Love it.
Two, I crave community, and crazy as it is, blogging is a reaching out, a grasping of hands, even across fiber optic wires ... or whatever kind of magic the internet is made out of.
Three, in the age of voicemail, callwaiting, and facebook (i.e. in the age where it takes us all days to actually get in touch), I thought it'd be a good way to keep my friends and family in touch with the little and big details of my life.
Four, balance. I'm in grad school and immersed in the world of therapy, ideas, and countless pages of information that I can't possibly take in in the amount of time alotted. I thought having a creative outlet might lend me some much-needed balance.

And here comes the "but,"

But, what I didn't factor in (because I am an optimist and an idealist, which works out well a lot of the time, but not always :), is that writing ... it takes concentration, time, a willingness to gather my thoughts, arrange them, sort them, make sense of them, flesh them back out ... hopefully in ways that highlight the beauty of living. And, although that's all very good, well, I get in these waves of life in which I am either too tired or too introverted or too ... whatever ... and I don't write.

So, all of that rambling to say that these last couple of weeks -- my absence -- has been one of those times. And while I really want to be consistent in this blog, perhaps I need to accept that these times of absence from this space will come and go. Or perhaps I need to carve more time out. I don't have an answer, by the way ... I'm just thinking out loud :).

OK, so ALL of that being said, back to the thought at hand.

I had this moment....

My roomies and I have started going to church together on Sunday mornings. It's funny, because for the longest time when I moved here, I searched and searched for a church. Some of you may remember my long church post from many months ago. But anyway, well, I had this list of what was important to me and I set out to find it, unsuccessfully. And so for a while, I stopped going. I was overwhelmed by school and my own uncertainties about church -- what it should be about, why we go, etc. But, then, a friend of ours invited us to his church, and my roomies and I have been going to church together ever since. And what's interesting about the whole thing is that I don't necessarily think that the church we're going to is really "perfect" (whatever that means) for any of us. But, I've noticed that we all keep wanting to go together. And I think the key word in that last sentence is "together." It's like the act of going there together, seeking Him together, it's like that's the most important part. And that's been an interesting realization.

So anyway, we went to church together today. And I had this moment. We were singing ... I don't even remember the song, and all of a sudden, I felt very out of touch with me. My lips were moving, I was in the room, undeniably. But, I felt a strong sense of disconnect. It wasn't a sudden disconnect that came upon me. It was instead a sudden realization of the disconnect that was already there.


This next thought will seem like a rabbit trail, but it's not, I promise.

I like words.

I like their ability to take a complex thought and relay it in three or four syllables. I value words. I think they have the capacity to shape the way we think. I think they have a lot of power actually. Well, anyway, so I like a lot of different words. But one set of words that I'm especially fond of are words that speak of unity and wholeness, words like: holistic, congruent, unified, harmonious, complementary, shalom.... And I think I like those words for a lot of reasons. But one big one is that I want them to be realities in my life. For example, I want my words to match my actions (that's being "congruent"). I want my love to be unconditional. I want to care about people's mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing (that's holistic). As far as it depends on me, I want to make every effort in my little corner of the world to be unified with those around me. And I want our unity to bring out each of our best selves (complementary), to bring true peace, to create an order and rootedness that brings peace (shalom). Those kind of words -- well -- they are important to me.

So, it was unsettling in church to feel the disconnect. Because such a disconnect is sort of opposite -- in a lot of ways -- with how I want to live. I still can't really tell you where the disconnect comes from, what it's all about. But, I can tell you that this past week has been one of those weeks where I felt sort of lonely, but didn't really want to be around people either. It's easier to be with yourself, you know. Relationships, they are harder. They take work, effort. And I have felt sort of reclusive. And it's interesting to me to see the effect.
(I don't have all these thoughts sorted out, by the way. I am sorting as I go. That seems to be a trend today.)
But, I'm wondering if part of who I am is about being a part of others, and vice-versa. I wonder if we find part of ourselves in our relationships with others. And if that's the case, it's no wonder so many people in our society are so lonely. Because our lives are very compartmentalized, separated. And forming connections, growing roots, well, it all takes much more intentionality than it used to.

I think the other part of my disconnect most certainly comes from the fact that I haven't really stopped to be in the quiet much over the last several weeks, haven't stopped to just listen for His tenderness and quiet strength.

So, anyway, I had a moment. And in the vein of connecting, of grasping the hand of another and -- in so doing -- holding a piece of ourselves as well, I thought I'd write about it.

Welcome back to your blog, Susan.

Thanks for reading :)....