the fight

So, apparently, you could spend your whole life "taking care of the details."  Or, apparently, I can.  But I don't think it's just me.  I think it's true for everyone.  You know the details: oil changes, mail opening, email responding, phone answering, clothes sorting, dog walking, dish-washing, cabinet-organizing, errand-running, blah, blah, blahdiddy-blah.

I've had several days off of work, as I'm waiting to start my new job (same kind of work, but a promotion! Woohoo!).  And when I found out that I was going to get a little time off, I made plans.  Massage?  Yes please.  A trip up the coast?  Uh-huh.  A day of just movies and reading?  Yep.  I'm now five days in, and guess how much of that I've done?  Zilch.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.

I've done stuff.  Important stuff.  Bills must be paid.  Cars must be fixed.  But man...I'm getting angry.  And I'm not sure exactly what I'm angry at.  I suppose I'm just angry at how easy it is to fill your ... my ... life up with meaningless stuff.  Because it's not just a phenomenon of the last few days.  I think this kind of thing can happen for years at a time.  And before one knows it, a decade has past.  And they've still never taken that trip.

This is what's infront of me right now:

Files to be sorted, clothes to be washed, tedium and minutia.  I'm aware that you can't live a successful life without taking care of the tedium.  But, finding the balance is hard. 

And today, feels like an uphill battle.  

Hopefully, I'll be posting about a massage, or pictures of the coast, very soon.

The Ordinary Day

(Lent: Days 14-15)

It's easy to document the big stuff, the momentous occasions of life.  I take pictures of it.  I celebrate it.  I remember it.

Today had no momentous occasions.  Today was completely and utterly ordinary.  Wednesday.  I got up, walked Charlie, "sorted myself out" (as the British say, referring to "getting ready" ... but "sorting oneself out" sounds so much better, doesn't it?), went to work, saw clients, ate lunch, saw more clients, did paperwork, ate dinner, went to the gym, showered, and here I am in bed, off to sleep, so I can do it all again tomorrow.

It's monotonous sometimes.  And I have moments where I wonder what it's all for.  It could become very depressing, I suppose, if I went all Albert Camus on myself.  But I'm not gonna do that.  Because deep down I know that life is a good gift, a gift to be savored, and lived, and used up.

So with that, a Top Five List I tell myself to help myself savor today as it deserves to be savored:

1. More and more I'm discovering that life goes to those who just show up.  Showing up is half the battle.  I showed up.

2. I have a healthy, fully functioning body, which - I'm guessing; there is no science or research in this - puts me in probably about the 50% of the world's population that is healthy and whole.

3. No traumas today.  No car accidents, major losses, firings, hospitalizations, or injuries to those I love today.  I had a much better day than many people had today.

4. I got another chance today ... another chance to right wrongs, to give and accept mercy, to love.

5. All of these days ... these ordinary days ... get stacked one on top of the other, books in a shelf, and create a great big life full of meaning and memories and roots that go beyond any one day.  Today was a piece of the puzzle.

And I like this puzzle.

It Takes A Village

And then, when life just seems kind of monotonous and lonely and dark, and I feel too-tired, light breaks through.  And I find myself looking around at this group of women I've been meeting with - every week - for 3 years.  We've sat side by side together through weddings and cancer and loss and breakups and heart attacks and career changes and depression and falling in love and moving and graduating, and job searching, and job finding, and, and, and....

And now, we are reminiscing.  And trying on purses.  And laughing...about the simplest things.  About life's small moments, stories that only we know.  We're just sitting in her living room and eating peanut butter M&Ms and pizza....

...but, the crinkle of their eyes and the pure joy of moments re-lived, and the way we can say just about anything, and so many years of memories stacked underneath us, the roots of a tree... well, tonight, just laughing with these women makes it seem like everything might be alright.

I didn't forget to keep laughing, after all.

winding down

I did some math today and figured out that I've worked approximately 32 hours in the last 3 days and slept 18 hours over the last 3 nights.  That means I've worked almost twice as many hours as I've slept, which can't be a good ratio.  That would explain why - when I woke up this morning - the first word out of my lips was (warning: salty language ahead) "Shit."  I can honestly say I think that might be the first time that's happened.  I was horrified at myself.  One should never wake up with such vulgarity on their lips.  That should be reserved for much later in the day, on the freeway, in traffic.  Just kidding.  (Kind of.)  But I was mad, just plain old mad that I had to wake up.  And I was ready to go back to bed as I stepped out of it, which is really not how I like to live my life, not how I believe the gift of life should ever really be lived.

But, here I am, all imperfect and unfinished.

I prayed today (a much better way to start the day), that God would be strength in my weakness, that He would sustain me and help me to give to my clients, despite the feeling of exhaustion that sat on my eyelids and shoulders.  And, although I can't say the day was easy, and that I had all kinds of wisdom and insight in my work today, I can say this.  When I get tired enough, I stop depending on me.  And I start offering my clients just plain old love, because that's what I've still got, tired or not.  And I've discovered I often have some of my best sessions on those days.  Interesting....

Love has a way of never running out.  When I stop worrying about paperwork and the to do list, and I just sit with clients, look them in the eyes, listen, try to understand, be present in the moment, I often find that my soul is quieted, and something expands in me big enough to hold their stories.  Because they are my stories.  They are human stories.  They are all of our stories.  We all feel pain.  Afraid.  Alone.  Sometimes, at least.  And it's a really beautiful thing, to take my tired old self into a session, and to connect with the soul sitting across from me.  Because, in that connection, I think we both come out the better for it.  Less alone.  With more hope.  I'm grateful for that tender mercy, for the truth of Christ's promise that in giving, we receive.

So, tonight, I've got praises on my lips.  Praises for God's endless well of love in Christ.  Happiness after ending my day with an incredible concert (I got to see my most favorite Iron and Wine tonight at The Wiltern)!!  And a whole lot of excitement about the pillow that awaits my heavy head.

Good night moon.

Milestones

So I payed off my car loan today. Now, granted, I bought it used, and it has over 100,000 miles on it. But, it's a Toyota and I'm crossing my fingers I've still got a few more years with it. And, it's all mine!! :) Seriously, though, this feels like a milestone, a small milestone, but a milestone nonetheless.

And I finished with all my clients at my clinic yesterday. I had all my last sessions and drove away sort of in shock that that milestone is now complete.

And my graduate degree should post any day now. Really truly, oh lovely registrar employees, would you PLEASE POST MY DEGREE ALREADY?! There, now that that's out of my system.

I feel like i'm in the middle of a lot of life transitions and milestones...

And soon, it will be on to the job search and the home search, and the school loans.

I've decided that there are two ways to look at this.

I can EITHER think to myself,

"Self (cause I do talk to myself, I admit), welcome to the rat race. You've paid off a loan, gotten a degree, moved out of a house. And now it's time to start paying off a new loan, work on the new professional milestone (accruing hours toward my license), and find a new place to move into that you will eventually move out of. Cheers."

(I know, cynical, huh? But those thoughts do come.)

OR,

I can say,

"Self. Take a moment. Stop. Rest. Enjoy the view. You did it. You paid off a loan. You moved out of a house. You learned how to sit with clients in their grief and stress and questions. And you did it on the days you felt like it AND (more importantly), on the days that you didn't. Yes, you made mistakes, several, actually. But you are persevering. Step by step, rung by rung, up you go. And now, as a reward, you have a whole new slew of places to experience, lessons to learn, milestones to walk toward. Keep on movin' sister. But take a moment, first. Stop. Celebrate what you've accomplished. Thank all who've helped you along the way. And smile at the joy of a life so rich in what matters."

I can say one of those two things to myself. And while I know that there's truth in the first way of thinking, I think there's much more love and life AND truth in the second way.

The second way it is.

Here's to a car that is all my own (mileage and all) and to the job applications to come!!! :)

Dear Rain,

I love you.

A lot.

I love the way you sound.

I love the way you make the air feel.

I love the way colors get brighter after you leave.

I love the way hot drinks taste on the days you are here.

I love that you enable me to wear scarves.

I even love when you surprise me, such that, while out on my morning walk with Charlie, he and I both end up soaked, trying to race home halfway through the walk, before you get us completely drenched.

I love that we got drenched anyway. And that I ended up laughing and humble, like a little kid, wiping water from my face as we splashed along.

But now I am warm again, bundled up at a coffee shop.

And I love that too.

And you made it all possible.

Thanks for showing up today.

Your fan,

Charlotte

Meandering Monday

These days are blissful. These days. These last few days and the few to come. They are full of nothing. Well, almost nothing. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. Actually, on Saturday morning, when I woke up in the new place, the first thing I did upon sitting down in the big fluffy chair and trying to organize my day in my head was to make a list. A list of all the things I haven't had time to do until now. And, in truth, I plan on accomplishing a few of them over these next few days.

But, still, after I made that list, I put it down. And I knitted. Or is it knit? I get confused. Anyway, knit or knitted, that's what I did, for a good solid hour. And I'm wondering if maybe there's nothing more luxurious, other than chocolate, than knitting in the quiet on a Saturday morning. One, because it's a Saturday, and Saturdays already feel kind of lazy. And two, because knitting is usually a nighttime activity one does after the work of the day is accomplished, and I got to do it first thing in the morning. It's like going to see a morning movie or something. It's that kind of luxury. So, I knit.

You know how, when you run on a treadmill for a while, and then you stop, how your legs still feel like they're moving even after you get off ... at least for a little while? Well, that's kind of how my soul feels. I have this forward motion still (which is good, I suppose, because, like I said, I still have the list). But at the same time, I'm starting to be able to slow down. And this morning, on my walk, I was praying. And as I began to pray for all the concerns, for all the people I know who are hurting, I had this very clear sense that I needed just to celebrate today, just to enjoy a day to be grateful. It's not that the needs of others aren't very real. It's not that I'm not supposed to pray for them. It's not that God doesn't care. It just became very clear in my soul that rest is important. And it's OK to rest from striving and working. It's OK to have days where you truly leave it all to Him, trust that He still cares, that He's still working, even when you aren't. It's important actually ... this thing called rest ... which feels pretty foreign because it's so countercultural. Work is the thing here. Rest is for sissies. But today, as I walked along, I almost felt God press an index finger to my lips and "shhhh" me gently. Just enjoy. Just walk. Just be. It's OK.

So, that's what I'm doing. I've got peppermint tea on the table next to me, a cloudy sky threatening rain above me, and these hours to just be. And all I can say, all there is to say, is thank You.

-Charlotte

October 6, I Love You

I was going to write a much longer, more philosophical post about some of my reflections as I transition from this home I've lived in since moving to LA to, well, wherever I end up going next. But, then life happened. And now it's late, and I'm off to bed so I can wake up early. So, the philosophizing will have to wait. But it will come. No worries. With me, it always makes it back around. :)

So, instead, I'm going to make you a list of my favorite things from today:

1. The fact that I got to eat red vegetable tofu curry TWICE today. I LOVE me some vegetable curry.

2. The fact that both of those meals were shared with two different, very precious, friends.

3. The way the day felt when I walked outside this morning -- crisp but warm, fresh, FALL.....

4. Did I mention it felt like fall today?! Makes me soooo happy. Fall is my absolute, hands down, favorite season of the year. I pretty much have this deep, underlying, giddy joy throughout the entire season ... even on the bad days.

5. The fact that my dog wore a sweater today, and wore it happily, and well.

6. The fact that I got to spend a good chunk of quiet, uninterrupted time with my best friend, talking about all things silly and serious.

7. I got some good mom advice today. I am soo thankful I can call my mom up, so thankful for that voice that is home.

8. I painted my nails and toes four days ago, and still, NO chipping! (Hey, it's the small stuff, right?!)

9. I get to go see Ingrid Michaelson in concert tomorrow night, and I am SOO excited! I know that's not technically today, but the anticipation occurred today, so that counts I say....

10. I'm on my way to sleepland. Any day I get to end with a good night's sleep, well, that's a good day.

Night all ... more philosophizing coming soon. ;)

checking in

Hi there peeps....

There are two weights on my eyelids, one on each lid, and my brain is all Friday night fuzzy. So... I'm not blogging tonight. But I DID want to sign on and say that with all the packing and moving and general hubub, I haven't been blogging as frequently these past few days. But I'm still here and will be posting some pretty fantastic photos tomorrow or Sunday. Promise.

See you soon!

Because I Find Other People's Rooms Interesting....

In these days of packing, I feel like I've not much to say. I fear that if I attempt to tell you much about life this week, my words will pretty much consist of packing, packing some more, and ... yep, still packing. Why is it that things multiply when you pack? What's up with that? I think it must have something to do with Einstein, and time, and relativity maybe.

So, at the risk of boring you by rambling on about moving, I've made a list. Lists are always good, right?

Seven Items Within Eyesight As I Type:

1) Top Paw Oatmeal Pet Shampoo, on the floor, next to a box of thank you notes.

2) A large box of stretchy kitchen trash bags, perfect for sweaters and blankets and other squishable items.

3) Bags of pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters ... sorted and counted when I got tired of packing.

4) The Paper Pile (does everyone have these, or is it just me?)

5) A bottle of Sarah Jessica Parker's "Lovely" perfume, given to me last year on my birthday after my sister advised me -- that when it comes to birthdays -- to always ask for something nice that I wouldn't normally buy for myself.

6) a bag of cashews, cranberries, and almonds ... my attempt at healthy snacking.

7) A cowboy barbie sewed onto a bandana. It's for this upcoming Saturday. It's gonna be good times. I'll take pictures and post them on Sunday, and then #7 will make sense. Promise.

Night all!

My Day In A Nutshell

It's late Thursday night. I should be sleeping; and I will be, in just a few minutes.

But before I do, here's the nutshell:


Crickets chirping,
and freeway noise in the distance
through open windows,
windows opened in a desperate attempt
to flee the heat of autumn in Los Angeles.
All is quiet yet again,
another day done.
Another day given.
Another day spent cultivating life and relationships,
laughing and apologizing,
tasting tangy on my tongue,
salsa and chips
and drinking lots of water,
and remembering moments
and smiling to myself,
packing boxes and sorting piles,
and doing all the mundane things that are no less sacred
for their ordinary quality,
washing dishes,
watering plants,
returning phone calls,
and laundry,
there's always laundry....
and then prayer,
whispers from my soul to Yours--
a getting outside of myself again
--this daily striving
to remember that what is most important
is not what is seen
and to lean into Your love....
then toothbrushing,
and hairbrushing,
and blog-writing.
And bed.
Oh sweet bed.
Ordinay day,
Ordinary life (which, by the way, there is no such thing-life IS extraordinary),
I love you.

And, I Have Another One Of Him In A Black Spanish Mantilla

Hi friends,

So, I took a few days off from typing very much at all ... for obvious reasons. I just couldn't get myself to open up that keyboard. I counted up the amount of pages I typed last week during the one-last-push-grad-school-frenzie ... 62. Yowza. That's a lot of pages. No wonder I got tired. SO. GLAD. TO. BE. DONE. ... only it hasn't totally kicked in yet, because, well, one of the things I found out last week was that the house I'm living in has sold, and I have approximately 10 days to be out. Another yowza.

But, God provides, and I've already got a storage unit and a VERY kind friend who's welcoming sweet Charlie and I into their home for a few weeks so that I can get living details figured out without the pressures of homelessness :) looming. I wouldn't really go homeless, just joking. I'm really, really blessed, and have got people in my life that would never let me go homeless.

So, as I'm typing, I'm realizing I haven't got too much to say. Well, that's not entirely true, actually; I have lots swirling around in me, just no thoughts that are ready to be born into words yet. After last week, and all of its too-fullness, I guess I'm just a bit quiet. Does that ever happen to you?

Anyway, before I go, I'll leave you with this photo. Because how can a photo like this NOT make anyone's day that much better?! It's the product of massive bouts of cleaning, plus the need my soul has these days for a good dose of silliness. You know how, when you clean and sort before a move, you find all that stuff you forgot you had? You know ... that stuff in those drawers you never opened because they had THAT stuff in it? I'm kinda famous for wearing whatever I'm cleaning. I can't help it; it's the dress up girl in me. I sort, clean, wear ... Poor Charlie, now he's getting the product of my sorting:

Ole!

Are you tired of photobooth yet?

The view this morning ... pretty much the same as yesterday, only now I've got different books, and I've moved to the kitchen.

My fingers are clickety-clickety-clacking away ... type type type ... but I'm feeling a renewed vigor for finishing, as I realize that this is my LAST day as a grad school student!! (unless I get all whacky and go back again later ;)

I've got A LOT to accomplish in the next 9 hours ... only by His grace and lots of stamina! Woohoo ... finish line's in sight!

This sitting in front of the computer all day thing is really helping with my blogging consistency

Hi friends! How's it hanging? As for me, I'm hanging in.

Just a little snippet, before I get back to work....

Here's what I wanna be doing:



And here's what I'm gonna be doing:



Don't I look happy??

Only 22.5 more hours. Getting excited!!! :)

Just Call Me Kenmore

(my view right now)

I've got so much turning and tumbling around in me these days ... my soul, a washing machine of sorts.

There's the work. I know. I know. I promised to stop complaining soon. But not today. Today, I need to let it out a little. There's so MUCH work. My head is full to the brim and spilling over with big words to describe big thoughts that I really doubt the authors thereof even understand fully themselves. I can always tell when I'm beginning to get burnt out on schoolwork because I start to feel animosity toward the writers of my books simply because they wrote them. But, still, I take their thoughts in and spill them back out, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, until I've met the page requirements. My heart is so not in this.

But it's not because my heart is sleeping. It's fully engaged actually. So much so that it feels kind of tight ... there's so much love in it, so much gratitude. But I know it won't burst. Hearts are big and made to stretch. And if you could pile everything up in mine that I treasure, it would be all mishapen and pokey, and the silhouette would stick out in funny places.

There's celebration. Good news received. Joys in the lives of my friends. And I am beaming and still all at once, pondering the goodness of things, and the way life can change in a moment, and all of a sudden you can find your hands full of good gifts you never saw coming. I can't say any more than that for the sake of their privacy. But trust me, friends, there's good stuff in the works.

And there's change looming. The air smells of it. Where will I work? Where will I live? What will this next season look like? I've learned to hold the unknown with calmer hands than I used to. I know that unfamiliar always eventually becomes familiar. And possibility always becomes actuality, and then maybe, even a little mundane. And that's OK too. Everyone needs a little mundane in life. Mundane gives you space to breathe.

And there's the sadnesses of others, the constant awareness that sometimes questions don't have answers. At least not right now. And every day, at 5 o'clock, anchors tells us more bad news. And the fires here are still burning. And there are too many people in pain right now.

And then there's beauty. Lots of it. As I write, I'm touched with the glow of sun through trees, evening sun, that golden kind of sun. And I can see the veins of the leaves and hear them whooshing and rustling. And there's movement and life, and the sun rose yet again today.

Oh there's so much a-tumbling. And sometimes it makes me want to cry (blame the hormones). And sometimes, it makes me want to sleep (just being real). And sometimes it makes me want to blog. And sometimes it makes me want to pick up the phone and share it with a familiar voice. And sometimes, it just makes me quiet.

But, instead, it's back to schoolwork, to tucking the rest away for a while so I can put on the student hat for these three more days. I can hear the helicopters carrying massive buckets of water flying overhead. They've been flying for so many days. There's a siren in the distance. And the leaves are whispering.

And that, beloveds, is life.

A lil' update

That's right. I'm back to the chia-pet hair and pjs. That means crunch time. The VERY. LAST. CRUNCH. TIME. ... until, of course, life happens. Anyway, this is how Charlie and I are rolling these days. He's a faithful little companion, until he decides he's bored and starts barking. But no one's perfect, right? He's been sleeping on my typing-bobbing arm all morning, not sure how he does that. And the picture's in black and white, to save the small amount of dignity I have left after posting it. The B&W cuts down on the under eye circles, or at least a girl can hope. :) Anyway, I'm happy and healthy over here...brain's just a little academia-logged these days.

But... one big chunk of work is done. Two more big chunks to go. I promise there will be a day when I am no longer complaining to you about schoolwork. I may be complaining to you about another kind of work, come to think of it, though. Or, I'll just try not to complain too much. How 'bout that? :)

at the office

I'm at my office, way too late, having just finished ten hours at my clinic.

This working for free thing, well, it's overrated.

But, I'm learning, and I suppose that's not so overrated.

Sleep, however, sleep is definitely not overrated.

I think I'll go get some.

post-script

I like to change things around. Hence the new font and background. It's still me.