winding down

I did some math today and figured out that I've worked approximately 32 hours in the last 3 days and slept 18 hours over the last 3 nights.  That means I've worked almost twice as many hours as I've slept, which can't be a good ratio.  That would explain why - when I woke up this morning - the first word out of my lips was (warning: salty language ahead) "Shit."  I can honestly say I think that might be the first time that's happened.  I was horrified at myself.  One should never wake up with such vulgarity on their lips.  That should be reserved for much later in the day, on the freeway, in traffic.  Just kidding.  (Kind of.)  But I was mad, just plain old mad that I had to wake up.  And I was ready to go back to bed as I stepped out of it, which is really not how I like to live my life, not how I believe the gift of life should ever really be lived.

But, here I am, all imperfect and unfinished.

I prayed today (a much better way to start the day), that God would be strength in my weakness, that He would sustain me and help me to give to my clients, despite the feeling of exhaustion that sat on my eyelids and shoulders.  And, although I can't say the day was easy, and that I had all kinds of wisdom and insight in my work today, I can say this.  When I get tired enough, I stop depending on me.  And I start offering my clients just plain old love, because that's what I've still got, tired or not.  And I've discovered I often have some of my best sessions on those days.  Interesting....

Love has a way of never running out.  When I stop worrying about paperwork and the to do list, and I just sit with clients, look them in the eyes, listen, try to understand, be present in the moment, I often find that my soul is quieted, and something expands in me big enough to hold their stories.  Because they are my stories.  They are human stories.  They are all of our stories.  We all feel pain.  Afraid.  Alone.  Sometimes, at least.  And it's a really beautiful thing, to take my tired old self into a session, and to connect with the soul sitting across from me.  Because, in that connection, I think we both come out the better for it.  Less alone.  With more hope.  I'm grateful for that tender mercy, for the truth of Christ's promise that in giving, we receive.

So, tonight, I've got praises on my lips.  Praises for God's endless well of love in Christ.  Happiness after ending my day with an incredible concert (I got to see my most favorite Iron and Wine tonight at The Wiltern)!!  And a whole lot of excitement about the pillow that awaits my heavy head.

Good night moon.