Planning or Bust

Guess what I learned today? Thinking about planning doesn't actually equate to planning.

That's one of my goals this year. To become a planner. And when I realized that was a goal, I felt all proud of myself for it, for deciding to do it, for planning to plan. Because, the flip side of being a very in-the-moment-all-present person is that I'm often not a very good planner. One minute it's Sunday, and the next thing I know, it's Friday. And it goes from being August to April in about 2-point-5 seconds.‎ So, I bought a calendar this year, hung it on my closet door where I must look at it every day a couple of times, and decided to mark each day off every night. I figured, at a bare minimum, that would at least force me to anchor into where I'm at in the month, in the year, in the week ... or at least remember what day it is. And I have high hopes I might actually get some birthday cards out on time this year. Hope springs eternal in the human heart....

So, one of my goals for this weekend, this beautiful MLK Jr. holiday weekend, was to go to the beach. I wanted to sit by the water, watch the waves, spend some time talking to God, and then take out a pen and paper and think about bigger goals for this year, for my 30s, for what kind of person I want to become. I planned to plan.

And then, I had a lazy Saturday, went to two birthday parties Saturday night, and felt the need to veg out when I got home, staying up to watch OC reruns. So, Sunday morning I decided I'd sleep in and go to the beach this morning. And then last night, I stayed up late watching the Golden Globes, and then somehow felt that it was very important that I also watch interviews from the red carpet rerunning on the E! channel. And then I slept in this morning, and by the time I put two and two together about commitments for my day, I realized I'd have about 1.5 hours of beach time in which I was to reflect and plan and pray. And somehow, rushed reflection time seems oxymoronic.

So, I had a little planning crisis meeting with me, myself, and I this afternoon. Members who showed up to the meeting included, in no particular order: shame, regret, self-punishment, and anxiety. They are terrible candidates to have at a meeting with yourself, by the way. "Self?!" I thought, "How is it, self, that you've had an entire 3 day weekend, and that one of your only goals for it was to have a planning/prayer session at the beach, and here it is, almost over, and you never did it?! What is WRONG with you, self???!" Like I said, not fun. But, thanks to the gracious comfort and company of my roommate, who I invited to the meeting as well, realizing the ambush I was experiencing, I had a new realization.

Thinking about planning does not actually equal planning. And maybe I needed to hit a little "mini-rock-bottom" as my roomie and I laughingly called it in order to actually do this planning thing. Because I have never been much of a planner. So, I realized it makes sense that I'm not all that good at it yet. And, as my very wise mother always tells me, "most things are difficult before they are easy." So, maybe I'm still a toddler in my development as a planner, falling down more than I stand.

But, I'm learning how to do it. Slowly. With lots of mistakes. Eventually, Grace and Patience stepped into the meeting and performed a little coup' d'etat. They are very strong, and it only takes a couple of them to boot the others out the door. Now, I'm scratching this whole experience off as a little planning-rock-bottom.

So, the planning session is yet to happen. But, it will. It will. Very soon, I will go to bed at a decent hour and get up in morning sunlight and grab my Bible, a notepad, and a cup of coffee. I'll drive to the ocean and watch the waves and pray. Maybe I'll have a couple more setbacks. Maybe another episode or two of The OC will have their way before I triumph. Change is difficult, after all. But, just like the waves, my soul is connected to a Bigger Gravity, a gracious, loving Gravity. And He, this God of mine, is teaching me patience, and persistence, and how to get up each time I fall. And over and over again, He pulls me back to Himself.

Before I go - because I've made new plans for this day, you know :) - I must share a quote from the rock of a soul that is MLK Jr., in honor of his incredible and inspiring life today. I've been chewing on these words all week long, ever since a dear friend shared them with me.  They are some of the most profound, truth-filled words I've read in a very long time. Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr.....

"When our days become dreary with clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice."

Happy MLK Jr. Day, beloveds.