unveiled

I suppose I don't have too much to offer today. Actually, I haven't blogged for the last few days because of two reasons:

1) Up until Thursday, I sat at my computer, trying to jog my tired brain into thinking more intellectual, analytical, cohesive thoughts. I sat there and tried to string them together into popcorn strings of captivating thinking in order to make a most beautiful Christmas tree of a final paper (I think that analogy worked better in my head). Anyway, suffice it to say, I got mad ... really mad ... that I was slowly losing feeling in my buttock whilst trying to pump out just one more page and then another for the final exam that was supposed to be over and done with many days ago. And then I checked Facebook, and I got more mad ... as I read peoples' comments like, "Loving a beautiful sunny day at Laguna Beach!" Or "sleeping and sleeping some more." Mostly, though, I was just mad at myself ... for often taking the hard route. Because, while many people swing by the grocery store for a bag of chips before heading to a BBQ, I cut up sweet potatoes into fries, rub them in Lawry's Seasoning Salt and then bake them ... on my new piece of Stoneware, for 40 minutes. And then I spend the next 20 minutes trying to scrape burnt sweet potato peels off of my stoneware. And then I go to the BBQ late, and offer my fries to all the guests who have already eaten. (true story; i couldn't make that one up!) And, while some people simply wrote up a 12 page final paper and turned it in and then went to Laguna Beach, I typed up a 20 page paper, with reflections on my faith journey, each page printed on Velum with a corresponding photo I took underneath it, showing through. Did you know that Velum is hard to find? Did you know that actually Kinko's will print on Velum as long as it is 24lb in weight, but they do not sell it? And did you know that Office Max sells Velum, but they will not print on it? Apparently Velum melts easily in office copy machines. And, did you know that out of all the Office Maxes and Staples within a 10 mile radius of me, only one of them actually HAS lazer-printable Velum? Did you know? OK, enough ranting. Really, truly, it is done ... turned in ... i am not hostile (contrary to the sound of my words). I'm not hostile because I realized that I LIKE making sweet potato fries ... even if I do show up late. And I LIKE printing documents on Velum and putting some of my favorite photos underneath. I like baking from scratch, kneading dough, reading recipes, creating beauty. And life, for me, will be about finding the balance and creating the SPACE I need to be me. So, I've learned that sweet potato fries should be started a couple of hours prior to when I need to leave. I learn. My dad once told me "Honey, as long as you're learning, you're living." I wish you could hear his voice saying it. It is full of grace, gentle, but strong ... like rain. Anyway, so, that gives me hope.

2) I've been trying to recuperate from above-mentioned episode. And I didn't feel like I had much to say (which, apparently, is not true). OK, I felt like I didn't have really GREAT THINGS to say ... no profound thoughts, packaged up neat with a bow. But, I read my friend, Jessamyn's, blog today, and it inspired me. She talked about what it would be like if we could all go to a party, and check our pretenses and supposed-to-be's, and all the faces we wear to look presentable ... if we could check all these things at the door. I loved that idea. I want to believe that we can bring our true selves into this life, our messy, uncertain, exhausted selves. I want to believe that we can love one another at that state.

So, here I am ... with only a few tired ramblings. And wherever you are, whatever state you're in, I send you some love. Because I don't think we should really love one another based on what we have to offer. In fact, that's not really love at all, is it?

p.s. potato peels don't really come off of stoneware ... no matter how hard you try ... just FYI