Lent - Day 2

This is what the start of my day looks like.  It's pretty nice, this doggie sandwich; my hips stay very cozy....

I had a hard time focusing this morning.  And I'm not sure if it was a state of the soul problem, or a state of the mind problem.  Sometimes my soul is just resistant to the slow down and openheartedness that listening and taking in truth requires.  And sometimes, my mind struggles to get quiet.

Either way, I had a hard time focusing on what I was reading.  What I do know is that part of it was due to my preoccupation with what I was going to write about after my reading in this space ... which totally defeats the point, really.  I buckle against thinking of this writing space as a performance space, as another place in my life where I need to perform, present myself in a certain way, entertain.  And yet, if I'm honest, I do feel those pressures from myself, as much as I buckle against them.  Even here, even in my own blog, I want to be liked.  I want you, dear reader friend of mine, to be entertained by/interested in, what I have to say.

It's a constant struggle really, to live without constantly jumping 3 steps ahead to how my living will be perceived.  And it doesn't just happen here.  It happens any time I enter the world.  Maybe that's why I shy away from the world sometimes...because I so don't want to care what others think.  And it's not because I think caring what others think is inherently bad.  I've just found in my own life that it doesn't ever lead me to a place of authenticity, true fulfillment, rest.

So, in an effort to avoid that self-presentation, I thought the best thing to blog about would be that very thing....

That being said, I do want to share with you one thing I've been chewing on today.  At the end of my reading today, there was a prayer:

"Lord, before the heat of the noonday comes, we are already feeling as though our lives are not full enough.  Instill in us this morning the assurance that you are enough for us, God.  Your love, your call, your work, is enough."

I think about this often - what it means to live the reality that God is enough - especially as a single woman.  Several years ago, I used to almost feel shame about wanting a husband.  It was as if wanting a husband meant that I was saying God wasn't enough for me.  And then I re-read the passage in Genesis where The Big Man Himself said, "It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a companion." And I stopped feeling guilty.  But it's not just about wanting a husband.  There are so many ways in which we humans think, "If I could just have this...."  It may be wanting a child, or wanting a fulfilling career, or wanting more friends, or wanting a purpose beyond retirement, or wanting to graduate, or wanting to pay off a debt, or wanting a loan to start something bigger.  So many of our wants are good, natural desires ... desires that guide us into continuing to be a part of the cycle of life.  And yet, there's this part of us that somehow can never get enough ... no matter how much we get.  Or maybe I shouldn't speak for the rest of humanity, and I should just say that there's this part of me that can't get enough. (But I kinda think it's true for all of humanity.) ;)

I think about this desire, what it means, why it's there.  Sometimes I think it's there to keep us hungering for what ultimately fulfills, which I believe is trusting in the unconditional love of God.  Sometimes I think it's a good hunger, because it keeps us searching.  And so many of the things we want are good gifts, gifts a good Father would want for His children.  But, we have to ... wait, I have to figure out how to live in the tension between all that I want, and gratitude for all that I have.  Because I don't think I'll probably ever feel fully satisfied until Heaven.  Some might read that and think, "What a waste of life.  Enjoy now!"  But it's not to say I'm not enjoying now, not enjoying all the good things around me.  It's just to say that I think there's a deeper fulfillment coming.

I guess what it comes down to is this.  When I read the prayer above, even though it made me think about the fact that God doesn't always feel like enough, even though it made me wonder how to live like that, the prayer comforted me.  Because it felt like truth.  And I have to pay attention to that.  There's a deep peace that comes from getting off the merry-go-round and saying, Enough.  He - and what He has for us to do - is enough.  And He will take care of us and provide us what we need.  Because He loves me.  And you.  He loves us.

Amen.

May it be so.